I was sitting on our couch. its comfortably worn-in dark red was just close enough to the color of spilled wine. we were drinking again.
"You know those spirals you draw as a kid where you start with a big almost-circle the size of the page, and then you come right inside your original point and keep as close to the outside line as you can, committing to and then drawing yourself into nothingness–but trying to put off reaching it for as long as possible by tightly, aggressively staying with the outside wall?
"It’s angry. that’s how my mind feels when I really get worked up–it’s like I can’t get out of it once I make that first dive in. at that point the only thing worse than thinking these angry things, or these bad thoughts, over and over, is the inescapable void that I’m left with if I stop short of that impossibly final point. so I fill the void, following my own previous direction, until I exhaust myself and there’s no room left for the aggression. but until then it’s out of control in that it’s entirely controlled: it can’t change direction, the anger can’t be interrupted but by itself. Love does this the most to people.”
"Spiral out of control?”
"Right. On Any Scale. I mean in high school I once called somebody fifteen straight times. like voicemail every time–call again. maybe it was twenty. I couldn’t stop until I ran out. then I just sat there and stared at the wall until I fell asleep. it’s like a tantrum. the fire fuels the fire.
"and then we grow up and we learn how to prevent our tantrums. we learn self-control. so then a lot of the fire-starters are non-starters, but love still lights us up from time to time. and a lot of the time it’s because we shouldn’t have been there in the first place, because it was the wrong place. to be looking for love. But we’re in it by then!
"You’ve got to learn about yourself so that you can learn about why you want love, so that you can learn about who and how you want to love. Instead a lot of people love in place of learning about themselves, because it’s dark and scary and maybe looks like some fruitless spiral. But it’s not.”
"So you’re in love?"
"And not the way you should be?"
"Well. Fuck. No… It’s me, I think. It isn’t the love. This is the right love. This is the love that fills that void. Stops you short because it doesn’t leave you any room for anything else–but you have to let it in. I have to let it in."